Steadfastness

I can't hold back. It's time to write.

In the last two months, we have had a whirlwind of trials hit our family. Relentlessly. One trial has led to another and James 1:2-3 has never been so real to me. 

"Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have it's full effect that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."

I had no idea what true testing meant.

In two months we have encountered all kinds of sickness, kicked off with our oldest daughter's bout with influenza-the first case in our city (mom award)-mixed in with pink eye, mastitis (twice), a knee surgery, and now culminating with my husband's brush with, dare I say it, death.

Yes. That's what I said.

Pulmonary embolism is not a mild thing. As a complication of his knee surgery (brought on by a torn meniscus), blood clots formed at the surgery site and moved up into his lungs. Five days of shortness of breath landed him in the E.R. only because a surgeon friend of ours came and picked him up and took him there, thus saving his life.

When everything seems to be crashing around me, my true self is revealed. My weakness and frailty as I leaned heavily into my Savior that day were so real, so poignant. I have never in my life experienced the hand of God in such a powerful way. He intervened in our lives. Jeff was to fly on an airplane the very next day for a ministry trip that could have been fatal. God knew. He had a plan.  His way was higher than ours. He was working all things together for our good. And for His glory.

I confess that there were moments that day that I could barely breathe at the thought of continuing on in this life as a widow of four children, without my soul mate beside me.  I wanted to scream. "What about our ministry?? How would I tell our story by MYSELF??" I forced my heart to focus on this promise yet again: God is good. No matter what I feel. He still is. And He has promised to never leave or forsake me. I can hang on to that.

We actually had the chance to see the CT scan this past week of his lungs and the reality of my near-loss came rushing back in. The clots were huge. Half dollar size on both sides. Jeff is a walking miracle. And I melt down to my knees again.

my one & only

 My dear friend Rachel brought this song to our small group recently and it's as if it is written for us. The words speak of my deepest heart's gratitude. Take a minute.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08s3GKRict8

So I will continue on in steadfastness. Leaning into my faith and on my Savior even more desperately than before. After all, He is constant, good, and sovereign. Not for a moment will He forsake me.

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand." Eph.6:13

When I have done everything, I will stand.